Should only child be enough ?
A post on Ask Moxie made me rethink about having a 2nd child. we waited 5 years to have our 1st one. we felt ready. we felt that as a couple we we have what it takes to have her. little did we know however, having her in our life has become the most significant thing in our life.
We waited almost 4 more years till we decided to have our 2nd one. I can honestly say that we didn't know what to expect. Being "visitors" to this country, we had enough worries before the birth then to think about what will happen later. Being here meaning being all by yourself, no help from parents and everything pretty much different then what we use to.
On the day my wife got into the hospital we went to a recommended (by her doctor) walk. to increase the "pressure" on the child to arrive. Both of us were feeling sad.
We were sad because we new that from now on everything is going to be different. Things as we liked them are never ever going to be the same again. We want the 2nd one, but since we only new for almost 4 years how it is to live as a trio, the unexpected frightened us.
We were afraid that the love is going to be different. The attention to our 1st is going to be shifted and hurt her. The bad relationship I have have with my brother surly effected my state of mind, feeling that as a 1st born I'm going to protect my 1st one as much as I can from getting hurt but in the process, hurting the 2nd one.
When she arrived into our lives almost 4 months ago, it was really weird. It was weirder to me because I didn't find any connection with her. The breastfeeding connection made the whole difference between me and wify. She was worm, loving, caring, attentive while I was getting angry and panicking every time 7:30 pm arrived because then the colic started.
When I helped and held her I felt as if I'm betraying my 1st one. Uttering a nickname resaulted in a reaction from the 1st while I was talking to the 2nd. I called my frinds, asking them if it is normal that I don't relate. They told me the secrect that no one telles you till after you have the 2nd one. There is no connection. There is no unconditional love. At the begining.
I asked wify to give me space. To let me ajust, to the new "Thing" as I called it, in our house. There was understanding and surprise at the same time, but I couldn't help it.
My whole routine have changed. I felt like a 60 year old bachelor having a kid dumped upon.
We had a long conversation where we gave ourselfs a least a month to adjust. To take it slow at work, to take it slow at social activities and focus inside. And that’s exactly what happend.
Today almost 4 months later, despite sleeples nights, the moment she opens her eyes and she realizes that it’s morning she starts talking on and on and on, I bring herto the living room and while wify keeps sleeping, us 3, waking up slowly, talking about what we dreamed (she is blahblahing) and the day statrts.
She is amazing and of course I've found that I have enough love to give to her - the same as to the 1st one.
Only now, I feel that I'm ready for more little people to keep on coming into our lives. There is something in being bigger family that I cannot fully explain. I don't know if being only child is better or worse then having siblings, but what I do know is that every family is different and that there are so many different reasons why people bring kids to this world that all that is important is to give them love and to really be thankful for this opportunity of being parents no matter how many kids you have.
פורסם בתאריך 25 בOctober 2006 ע"י
תחת נושאים: Family, Life
Once child can certainly be enough. I recognize a few things in your story from our current situation. I was never worried about ignoring our son, we talked about it a lot and have made sure he feels included in everything. He’s been amazing so far. Since I'm a very involved father I do miss the close connection with my daughter during the first few months of intense breastfeeding. That’s very much mommy-time and it’s tough for me to compete with milk filled boobs:-)
The last week has been amazing I must say. Since our daughter woke up on Saturday as a new child, without colic like symptoms and little reflux, she’s smiled at me throughout the day and our contact is so much better. I can't wait until we can interact more with each other which should take a few more months.
AD
As a mom who didn't breastfeed, my hubby didn't really have this problem the second time around, we both fed them, but he was overwhelmed the first time around. I think both of us are with you though, we will definetly have more one day. I can't imagine no having the kids i do. But to you and AD, colic in babies sucks and once it’s gone you come to find out that the alien life form you brought home is actually a nice plesant cuddly baby.