Sometimes I'm an Angry Dad
There is a saying in Hebrew (I’m sure in other languages too) -
Sons are going to suffer because of the bad doing of their fathers - a very very loose translation.
Not being a religious person I’m sure there is a story associated with that but it doesn’t matter
what the story is, it’s meaning remains as current today as it did thousands of years ago.
I come from a very "angry house". Growing up hearing my parents shout at each other,
shouting at us all the time - has its huge effect on me as a person and in the last almost 4 years as a father.
Everybody has a demon he is fighting, some more then one (self included)
and there 2 ways to address the matter -
1. Leave things as they are and accepting realty - the results can be devastating
2. Calling the Ghostbusters
At first I didn’t notice that I’m angry. I thought that I am opinionated, insightful, I’m right and they are wrong situations.
But then I realized that I’m not, as they say in the daycare “I’m not nice ". Everyone has issues and unresolved problems
but at the end of the day you have to face your problems because it hurts. It hurts your loved ones, it hurts co-workers
and creates antagonism towards you, and last and most important it hurts you.
I’ve had million conversations and confrontations with my dad and to no use. He keeps on saying we did what we could
and we tried our best and you know what, that’s not a good answer in my eyes.
I know I’m going to fuck-up my kids life’s and I hope to be aware of that because its very cliché but, knowing there is
a problem is problem means that you are half way there.
There has to be a way to be calmer, to truly have it from within and not hurting people.
Any suggestions?
פורסם בתאריך 1 בNovember 2006 ע"י
תחת נושאים: Family, Life
Suggestions? Yoga. Seriously.
Another one, because I have the same problem you do. Just shut up about it. Seriously. It’s different than burying it… but that’s what I do. Stupid things that you know you shouldn't be getting so upset about, just don't say anything about them. After a while they stop bothering you. It used to drive me freaking BATTY that my husband left his socks all around the house. One day I just stopped hassling him about it and now it doesn't bother me in the least. I hardly ever even notice it.
Sorry to write a book in your comments. Also I know it’s weird getting advice from a total stranger but … you asked for it.
I think it’s important to stop and think about what you say to people. And since your kids are little, try and think of it as what kind of dad to I want these special little girls to have. And do you someday want them to remember you as angry? Even if it’s not at them, but directed at others or drivers or whatever, they will still remember. Also, I try to remind myself when I'm getting pissed about nothing to take a deep breath and try to see why I'm pissed at something that others would handle calmly.
We all should try to do better than our parents did. We owe it to our kids to at least do that.
your post touched me because I have struggled with the same thing too. when I am stressed or depressed I loose my temper like lightning and shout like an ambulance siren. It’s perfectly horrid to witness
My new years resolution was to stop shouting and stop whining. i don't want to be that kind of parent and i noticed my daughter was started to behave JUST LIKE ME. Aweful.
So what I did was try to take a breath before I start yelling and step outside myself and think - is this worth yelling over? Then I would try to speak in a calm voice. practice makes perfect (or sort of anyway) and now towards the end of the year I am proud to say I have had a few bloopers but I'm a hell of a lot better. I also am learning to pick my fights. Is this or that thing really worth working myself up over. I must say I have calmed down considerably and don't always feel the need to make my point. Because who the heck cares anyway and you're not about to change anyones mind - it’s a myth.
I realised that by shouting etc I am teaching my child how to deal with difficulties and not solutions. Now instead of yelling at her for messing all over the floor, I tell her what we can do to fix it and ask her opinion.
My daughter also has temper tantrums like me and the other day instead of loosing it because her toy rolled under the car, she actually said "Don't worry mommy, you can move the car and then I can get it." I was so proud of her and could finally see how changing my own behaviour had positively influenced her too. It was truly special.
Good Luck! Change is always hard, especially our ingrained behaviour… but one change leads to a habit and a habit turns into a lifestyle… with the odd mess-up but that teaches our kids how to apologise. I always apologise when I 'loose' it. Warmest wishes, aalize
Oh and the other thing that helped was to imagine I had an audience. There’s nothing like calming your behaviour than imagining your neighbour watching your every blow up